I had a conversation with someone this weekend who I hadn't talked to in years and they were asking all sorts of questions about my weight loss surgery. One thing that they asked....is what was the worst part? The worst part is the mental part. I hate to say this, I am going to change an old 80's song by Will Smith from "Parents just don't understand" to "people just don't understand" and most don't.
I didn't get fat as an adult, or after getting married, or after having a child....I got fatter after all of those, but I was already fat. I wore a size 24 in high school and was 215lbs in middle school. My mother may argue with me, but in my eyes, I don't ever remember having a salad growing up, or being encouraged to drink a glass of water. I do remember my mother having carrot sticks in the fridge hoping I'd snack from those rather than the cake that was on the table, but that didn't work. I probably ate both, ha ha. Right now I am still considered obese even after losing over 150 lbs. Ok, I should be at least at 175 lost right now, but the Holidays...I swear! I'm working on it and will continue to work on it and battle it all my life, even with weight loss surgery, I am sure of that.
I am fat...my life is fat...I know nothing else but to be fat. Food is a reward, not a necessity, even now. Yesterday I was in the mood for a donut...yes, fat filled donut so I went to Dunkin' and you know what I did? I bought a WHOLE DOZEN! I don't know why, I don't need them, I can't eat them, my family doesn't need them, but I did. A whole damn dozen. That's what fat people do...and yes, I am fat, always will be no matter my weight.
Can you name anything that doesn't involve food? Bad food? Fat-filled sugary desserts, big fat-filled over-sized meals? Weddings, funerals, vacations, engagement parties, Christmas parties, EVERY party, birthdays, weddings, good days at work, bad days at work, going bowling, going to the movies, etc. I had a co-worker years ago, right after I lost all the weight say "You look so good. We should go have lunch!" I looked at him like he was crazy. And he was crazy considering he made me cry by calling me fat many times (isn't that funny, now I call myself fat!).
When I was growing up, I don't ever remember knowing anyone who went to a gym or exercised on a regular basis...nobody. It wasn't something we did, it wasn't something anyone did or if they did we paid no attention to it. We had sweet tea, Coke and kool-aid in the fridge along with a cake on the counter for dessert. Bottled water? Did they even make it back then? Not that I am that old, but I honestly don't remember anyone drinking bottled water. If you were thirsty, you had a Coke.
That is my life, that is what I know. Changing it now is HARD. I find myself eating just to eat. Just because I am supposed to eat. It is so hard to not eat. After weight loss surgery you don't feel hunger like normal people...at least I don't. I not only had the stomach staple but I had 3/4 of my actual stomach removed. Most people's stomachs are the size of a deflated 2 liter bottle, mine is the size of a banana. The reason I did that was because they said it would take away that 'hunger' feeling. Oh...it took away the hunger feeling, but it didn't take away the habit, the mental inability to push food away, the addiction to food. Last night I made a sandwich around 9pm or so because I hadn't eaten dinner (I had snacked on Doritos and donuts all night) and about half way through the sandwich I threw it way. I threw it away! I didn't put it in a bag and save it to eat an in hour, or just leave it sitting next to me until I picked at it until it was gone, I threw it away. That was a HUGE feat! Now if I could just throw away the rest of the donuts I'd be golden, heh.
Anyway, I post this also because I have heard from other women who have had weight loss surgery (and I am sure it's happened to men too) that had friends, co-workers, or even family tell them they took the easy way out. The easy way out? This is EASY? Screw you! You took the easy way out, you've been skinny all your life. I want to see you get or be fat and battle your way out. YOU are the one who took the easy way!
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ReplyDeletereposting...had a typo lol
ReplyDeleteHey Cas, thank you for sharing. I am almost embarrased to say how fat I felt and I was a size 7/9 thru most of high school. I look back at my wedding photos and I look so skinny, but on that day I remember feeling fat. How sad is that! I struggle with eating for no reason now. I have just recently started to cut my food in half. I serve myself what I think I want to eat then literally cut it in half. It's hard but for me it's a start. When we have gone out to eat I try and share something with someone because if I order my own meal I will eat the entire thing and we all know how much they over serve you at restaurants. I really want to get a breast reduction surgery this year. Also hoping that it helps with all of my chronic pain. I have taken so much vicodin that it hardly even affects me anymore.
Do you find that when you write it all out it's kind of therapeutic? I hope you don't mind me commenting to you. You have great thoughts and tell it like it is. It is nice to see how honest you are with yourself and the rest of us.
I absolutely do NOT mind you posting, it is kind of therapeutic. I had a friend who was reading this the other day and say I put it all out there...well, those that know me know I do nothing less! I hope there are many people who read what I post and find similarities to it for themselves and realize they aren't the only one! Dr. Sauceda does breast reduction! :D If insurance won't pay, his is *much* cheaper. :) Good luck on the eating, that is a GREAT way to do it. I am trying to do that myself. I can't eat much at one time, but I will hold onto a sandwich until it's done! I actually threw away the rest of a sandwich yesterday when I couldn't eat any more. It is definitely a start! Good luck!
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